Monday, March 2, 2009

Traffic & Tears...

Today was the first day I ventured out alone, I had my post-op appt (I’m healing just fine, and have lost A LOT of my baby weight *YEAH ME!* thank you VERY much!) I had to take Cash to the pac-lab for a follow up PKU test. I don't know what the PKU test is for... but I DO know that they poke my son with a needle in his heel and then SQUEEZE his little baby foot so that his blood drops onto some paper that is later tested for whatever PKU stands for. It was traumatizing for both of us but we inevitably survived!

After the pac-lab I sat in the hospital parking lot and nursed Cash, it was time for him to eat and we both needed to be comforted by each other after the needle incident. Once he was dozing off I buckled him in and we were on our way, or so I thought. Once I hit 405 he was in full hysterics and I was on the brink of a melt-down as well. There is nothing more horrible than having your child screaming at the top of his lungs while you are on the freeway totally helpless. (Ok, I’m sure there are PLENTY of things more horrible but at this point in my “motherhood timeline” this is the MOST horrible!) I thought about pulling over a zillion times to comfort him but I knew it was almost rush hour and that would only delay my ability to comfort and nurse him even longer. So I sucked it up and kept on driving...

My heart was pretty much broken into a million little pieces by the time we got home, but seeing his little tear streaked face put me over the edge. I had, until that point, kept my own tears in check. Seeing his little traumatized baby eyes and tears, red faced and frustrated, I immediately started crying. I can't handle the tears, not yet at least!

I think I have done a good job thus far keeping Cash happy, he rarely cries for more than a few minutes and it's usually because I’m changing his diaper or he is hungry, but of course, there ARE times when I HAVE to pee or grab my meds or water before we can sit down for 45 minutes to nurse. I keep telling myself (mostly to keep from feeling like a horrible mother) that during these crying episodes, it is “good for the development of his lungs" (Especially since he is going to be a country music singer!) But this car trip was too much for this mama...

I'm sure this is something that every mom experiences, but if you could only see his little tear stained cheeks I’m SURE it would make you cry as well... crying is hard to take from any little one, but tears are like a hot razor to the heart!

I’m sure this is the first of many hysterical crying road trips for us. I’m hoping they get easier as I get accustomed to being a mama – but I think it will always break my heart to see/hear my son cry – and tears… well, I don’t think I will EVER over-come THOSE!


Photos by Ann Elrod -

The Jackson Family, December 2008